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3:00 AM October 26, 2011

Posted by battysgirl in Being a Mom, Celeste, Friends & Family.
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I’m awake and its super dark in the bedroom.  It must be three in the morning, time for Baby P 2.0 to use my bladder as a bouncy seat (she’s still breech) and wake me up.  I groan as I roll out of bed and waddle (no one can see me, I don’t care how badly I waddle this early in the morning) to the bathroom without turning any lights on and only one eye open.  I lower myself down, close the one eye I had opened and do what I have to do trying not to let my mind get too active or wake up too far.  All done,  I waddle back and drop into bed trying desperately to grab on to that last vestige of sleepiness left in my head before my mind wanders off onto some worrisome thought and keeps me up for another hour…

“MOMMY!  PAPA!” comes screaming over the monitor and I’m jerked awake fifteen minutes later.  Oh man, she’s earlier than usual tonight.  Celly wakes me up on average four times a week like this.  She screams out in her sleep for her Mommy and her Papa.  She mumbles and yells and after a moment or two (it honestly is no more than two or three minutes but dang if it doesn’t feel like an hour) and drifts off back to slumber land.  I turn on the video screen and sure enough, she’s curled up, yelling out in her sleep unaware of the havoc she’s creating in Mommy’s head.  This night I also hear her ask for “her baby” and she says, “No, Papa” a lot.

I wait her out, trying to remain calm and keep my mind quiet.  I can’t help but try and decipher what she’s saying; to try and figure out what it is in her little head that makes her so worried she cries out in her sleep.  Invariably, she relaxes, falls back into a deeper level of sleep and goes the rest of the night without interruption and wakes up refreshed with no memory of the night terror at all.  For Mommy, however, it starts a vicious chain reaction.  I wait, worried (no matter how many times I sit through them) that something is truly wrong.  I worry that I won’t fall back asleep and that I’ll be a zombie the next day and sure enough, one worry leads to another and I’m an anxious wreck laying in bed for upwards of an hour trying desperately to turn my mind off and get more sleep.

Last night, it went like this:  Is she okay?  She asked for her baby, are we putting too much emphasis on the pending birth of her baby sister?  Holy Cannolli I’m going to have another baby.  Will I be able to control my blood sugar or will I be on medication soon?  Am I making the right choices for the girls?  Oh goodness, I haven’t felt the baby move (duh, I’ve been asleep, but I didn’t say I was rational), is everything okay?  Will I be a good mother to two girls?  Will I still be a good enough wife for him? Etc, etc, etc.  Some nights, it gets so bad that if the hubs stops snoring (yes he sleeps through the entire episode) I’ll hold my breath to make sure he’s even breathing.  

On good nights, I can get my mind in order and back to sleep within 30 minutes of her waking up.  On bad nights, like last night, I was up for two and a half hours.  If there is one thing I’m looking forward to after having this baby, it’ll be my hormones calming down enough for me to be a bit more rational again.  Being a mom is scary enough without my own mind dragging me through the mud!

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